Jamie's Haven

http://community.livejournal.com/projectdownload/

Come on, guys, help the poor girl out. It's completely free, the downloads are so tiny they're done in an instant, and you can call it your good deed for the day.

She's not a scam artist, she's just a sick woman asking for help. No even money... just to download a file or two. You don't even have to read them or even keep them. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE not to do such a small thing when it could help so much.

...So the uniforms they give you for cooking classes are apparently hot enough to where you can't get within a foot of another person or else YOU PASS OUT FROM HEAT EXHAUSTION. I FOUND THIS OUT FIRST HAND oh wry.

Uh. Sooo I had on that coat chefs wear, a heavy apron, the checkered pants of evil eviless, a thinthin t-shirt and thinthin shorts underneath that. That, combined with people in similar outfits pressing in behind me to see the teachers demonstration BODY HEAT BAD apparently = *LulzTHUD*. Within ten seconds of starting to feel overheated, even! And I've never passed out before, and I mean EVER. I is tought leetle shit |D... Except when it comes to heat orz. >_<;;

...I apparently scared the shit out of everyone. Payback GET?! Ad also does anyone else randomly dream of being in the car while they're passed out like that or was that just my weird coming through. >_>

I was only out for about twenty seconds though guys, DON'T FREAK OUT I'M OKAY REALLY. XD;;

...My cat just got her claws hooked in my shoe. The INSIDE of my shoe, damn far in, none the less. Mom and I had to hold her and completely unlace my shoe to get her unhooked. This was after she fell off the kitchen table, shoe in tow, mind. Or rather, toe in shoe. *Headdesk* Wry.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Baby cousin.

Her name's Murphy~ and I got to hold and carry around for a long time~ and I fed her twice~ and played with her on her little pink fuzzy blanket~ and I burped her~ And made her fart twice by petting her head NEW BABY GAS-B-GONE TECHNIQUE GET what the hell. ♥ And did I mention ♥♥ she fell asleep on me quite a few times ♥♥ She's six weeks old and already wearing 3-6 month old sized clothing what the hell sweetie what are they feeding you. ♥ And she had the BEST reaction to my hair brushing across her cheek best 'What he shit is this' expression ever. ♥

Excuse me, I'll just be over here heartmarking. ♥♥♥

Click here to create your own painting.

...sopretty ♥ I forgot who I got it from though, haha. XD;;

Guys I'm officially a college student. :D I got back from my first class a few hours ago.

...I have Special Ed. Morning Glory's growing on my fence. Wry.

No, seriously. One of them actually managed to grow up THROUGH a leaf. Through a little hole some bug ate. ...How does that even happen?! It was only halfway through, too, because I had to pull it out carefully so it could open properly, which it did in about a minute. Understandably a bit wrinkled. What. That was kid of an epic fail, tiny purple flower.

The moral of this story, boys and girls? Do Not Fuck With The Morning Glory's. They're so hard core they will drill their way up through their own leaves to get to their sunlight. Do not mess with the sulight, for it is theirs and they will get to it by any means necessary. Drill flowers, GET.

Did anyone hear about the condo fire in west Knoxville Tennessee? The big one that displaced a bunch of people and they ended up being put up in a nearby hotel - Holiday Inn Select?

...I'M TOTALLY STAYING IN THAT HOTEL RIGHT NOW NO SERIOUSLY GUYS. The parking lot is filled with smoke STILL and you can totally smell the fire. I went down to the lobby and it was FILLED with families, it was kind of sad. Damn. ...It's still kind of awesome that I'm right here, though.

Title: 67 Things Tenpou is no longer allowed to do... Anywhere.
Author: Madame_Maya
Rating: Depends on the line. All rating present.
Warnings (if any): Some of the lines are a little questionable like last time, heh.
Summary: Title says it all, really...



1. Must not let ‘accidentally’ loan Commander Goujun a book of erotica when he asks for a book on war tactics. He knows this was not an accident at all and does not think it’s funny.
2. His wife does, though. Especially if I ask Commander why he’s blushing so hard the next day.
3. Must make sure books I loan to Goku are G rated or below. Lending him a book on teenagers’ changing bodies was not funny and gave Konzen a headache from all the questions Goku asked him.
4. And Kenren.
5. And Jiroushin.
6. And Bodhitsavva.
7. And me.
8. And whoever else happened to be within ten feet of him. Poor Commander Goujun…
9. When Konzen tells me to ‘pick out something he’d like’, I should not give him a book on hair styling. It’s not (that) funny.
10. Must not sneak up on Kenren in the hallway and make him jump six feet in the air because he didn’t hear me.
11. More than once, anyway…
12. Must eventually get a haircut, or at least let Kenren cut it for me. It does grow, even if you are immortal.
13. ‘It’s just going to grow back, anyway.’ is not an excuse to stop getting said haircuts.
14. If I want a different book while this is being done, Kenren can hand it to me. I don’t need to lean forward to do so myself, causing Kenren to have to compensate and perhaps fall on me.
15. Must not take advantage of this position to then do naughty things to him.
16. Must never again get so drunk as to start dancing. I cannot dance to save my life.
17. Especially when the song is of the Latin persuasion. This scars people for their immortal lives.
18. Must not attempt to maul Kenren when he harasses me about it the next day.
19. Must NEVER write ‘Empy’s got tentacles!’ graffiti-style across the hall, even if I am really, really bored and/or really, really drunk. I will be made to clean it up.
20. ‘It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.’ no longer applies to Tenpou Gensui.
21. My sword is not an oversized kitchen utensil, so I shouldn’t slice salami and cheese for a sandwich with it.
22. The proper way to apologize for something like this does not include blinking innocently and asking if they wanted one too.
23. Even if they do say yes.
24. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than ten seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
25. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Mimble wimble apple thimble’ is probably not appropriate.
26. No matter how many people burst into applause after I sit down.
27. Shouldn’t bring a gross of those hopping wind-up bunnies and set them loose in the audience chamber.*
28. Formation is not to be referred to as ‘that rectangle… thing… Yes, that’s the one!’
29. Really shouldn’t whistle at Kenren when he bends over to pick something up while he’s helping me clean my library. It makes him uncomfortable.
30. Or grope him during the same.
31. The above two numbers are reasons why NOT to do it, not reasons FOR doing it.
32. It’s probably not a good idea to tell Konzen or Kenren to put something on the top shelf ‘because I want to see them stretch.’
33. REALLY not a good idea when Goku is in the room. He WILL ask us why I want to see him stretch.
34. Stop giggling.
35. Blink when I’m talking to someone. They will get uneasy if I don’t and think I’m a psycho.
36. Must not send Kenren down to the holding cell to teach him a lesson just because ‘He stepped on a book.’
37. Even if I was reading it at the time. Really, he’s telling the truth when he says he didn’t see me,
38. Shouldn’t do number thirty six to anyone else, either.
39. Stop conniving with Commander Goujun’s wife.
40. Goku likes to sit in my lap and ‘read’ the book I’m holding with me. This is NOT, however, an excuse to lock the door so messengers (and Kenren and Konzen, who are probably looking frantically everywhere for him) can’t bother us, no matter how cute it is.
41. Reports are to be turned in on time, or at least only a few days late with a reasonable excuse.
42. Kenren being away on a mission is not an excuse. I should be doing them myself anyway.
43. It’s my own fault I can’t get to my desk.
44. Don’t feel up Kenren in public. He’s not shy about starting a fight.
45. Even if the two of us are in a position in which no one can see the ‘interesting place my hand found’.
46. Keep that look on my face and someone is going to make a rule about how smug one can look.
47. Even if I did finally win Kenren over.
48. (Next day) Don’t let Kenren look at my list if I’m going to put that on it.
49. No one wants to know why I have a box of inflatable monkeys.
50. Really. They don’t.
51. Don’t give Kenren Tequila and green food coloring. The man is more creative than I think.
52. Stay away from the audience chamber if I do. Or at least bring my own lubricant so I’m not out of commission for a week and a half again.
53. Shouldn’t point out the fact that fruits and vegetables were once alive, and therefore are against the ‘no kill’ rule. It’s really pointless and will probably get me sent to get a light whipping.
54. Shouldn’t moan obscenely during this, even if I do enjoy it improperly.
55. The guard owes Kenren a few favors. He WILL cash them in to fuck me senseless while I’m bound to the wall if this happens again.
56. (In Kenren’s handwriting) Number fifty five is not a reason to go through with number fifty three, just because you secretly love numbers fifty four and fifty five, damn it! Sheesh!
57. I can’t send children to the holding cells because they were rude.
58. Shouldn’t fall into a fantasy of fucking Kenren over my desk while he’s standing in front of me giving a report/helping me clean. I don’t need to be put out of commission for a week because I can’t walk.
59. Commander Goujun really does NOT need a full report of how said ‘injury’ was sustained.
60. His wife will probably steal it from him anyway.
61. Really. Stop giggling.
62. If I’m going to have ‘company’ in my office, I really should lock the door.
63. Mustn’t ask if the discoverer wants to join us. Kenren is more possessive than I thought.
64. Even if it is just Konzen.
65. Don’t put a Furby behind the Emperors chair. It’s not funny.
66. Nor should I give Goku one. He’s afraid of them, for some odd reason.
67. Must not compare lists with Kenren to get new ideas.

75 Things Kenren Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Army


1. Must not swap the Bodhitsavvas’ mouth wash with vodka and green food coloring. She is a scary drunk and will attempt to hit on anything that comes within ten feet of her.
2. Must not do the same for anyone else’s mouthwash.
3. Must not spike the Emperors’ tea stock with tequila. He is also a scary drunk, though in a different way.
4. Angry orders to ‘use my fucking head’ during my missions do not refer to the head in my pants.
5. Must not offer to let youkai free if they perform sexual favors for me.
6. Must not sulk for a week after being told this.
7. Must not drink a gallon of blue food coloring before my required yearly physical. It’s not amusing and gives the doctor a heart attack.
8. Must not walk out wearing the paper gown they give me, even if they DID forget to give me back my clothes.
9. Must not sneak food coloring into anyone else’s drinks and/or food before THEIR physical.
10. Especially not red food coloring.
11. Must not sneak food coloring into their food and/or drinks any other time, either.
12. Must not ask Bodhitsavva if she can only sire children or have them herself. She will answer and/or try to prove it.
13. Must not ask Commander Goujun if his scales go below his waist.
14. Must not ask Commander Goujun if he wears so many clothes because he is ticklish. Nor must I attempt to find out if this is true myself.
15. Must not sing ‘We’re off to see the wizard!’ when leaving on a mission, no matter how many people start to sing along with me.
16. Must not use gun to poke/goose people with, on the grounds that it’s the only thing it’s good for.
17. Must not tell new subordinates that I house youkai souls in my skull pendant. Some will believe me.
18. Casual dress does not mean we’re supposed to wear a real dress.
19. Must not convince subordinates this is true.
20. Must not convince subordinates that said dress must be black, skimpy, and made of leather. This is disturbing, not funny.
21. Must not drink sake while in formation, unless I brought enough for everyone.
22. (Next day) Must not drink sake in formation even if I DID bring enough for everyone.
23. Must not belch in audience chamber, especially while someone is speaking.
24. Must not pin blame for said belch on higher-ranking officers, even if it is believable.
25. Same with burping.
26. And farting.
27. And any other sound I or anyone else can think of.
28. Must not take a bath or swim in the Bodhitsavvas’ pond.
29. Especially without clothes on. There are fish in there.
30. Do not convince subordinates to do it either, on the grounds that it is an official initiation for the army. It’s not funny, and they WILL think I’m telling the truth.
31. Must not bring any animal from lower Earth up to Heaven to be ‘Heaven’s official mascot’.
32. Especially not a cat. Li Touten and Konzen Douji are both allergic to them.
33. Must not swap cushions of their chairs with pillows filled with cat hairs after finding this out.
34. Or swap anything else with a cat hair-filled duplicate.
35. Or anything else I can think of that includes cats or cat hair.
36. Must not ask someone else to think of it for me.
37. Must not sulk a month after realizing they thought of everything I can do with cats or cat hair.
38. Must not yell ‘Dude, your fly’s open!’ while someone I don’t like is speaking in the audience chamber, no matter how interesting a color they turn.
39. Must not tie a bow or any other hair accessory to the end of Commander Goujun’s braid while he is in front of me and not paying attention. I am not a hair stylist, nor does he find it amusing. And he has a mean left hook that WILL break something if I ever attempt to do this again.
40. Must not attempt to do so on anyone else hair, either.
41. Must not spike bath incense with aphrodisiacs and hide in the bushes outside under the windows to see what happens.
42. Must not spike bath incense with aphrodisiacs even if I DON’T hide in the bushes outside the windows to see what happens.
43. Also must not spike coffee with aphrodisiacs. Tenpou drinks it sometimes and can be very persuasive.
44. The first thing to say when waking up in Tenpous’ bed after this is not ‘!@#%$$!#%’ or anything of the like. He will punch me.
45. Bodhitsavva also drinks it once in awhile. This is frightening to everyone, not just Jiroushin.
46. Must not ask Commander Goujun if he needs any help ‘getting that stick out of his ass.’ He does not find this amusing, and, again, has a mean left hook that will break something if I ask him again.
47. His wife can be scary. I should not ask her if she can help him with it instead, as she also has a pretty good left hook herself.
48. Even if she does snicker when I ask this. She only thinks it’s funny the first time.
49. Commander Goujun does not trust me within ten feet of his wife, even if I am just asking her a question.
50. ‘I was drunk.’ is not an excuse for misconduct to anyone but Tenpou. And Tenpou can always tell if I’m drunk, as he was probably with me at the time.
51. ‘Mad ninja skills’ is not something to put on my resume.
52. Nor is ‘Great in bed’.
53. No matter how many people will say this is true.
54. Must not petition this. It wastes paper.
55. ‘The leprechauns made me do it!’ is not a viable excuse. For anything.
56. Must not undress superiors with my eyes while they’re giving me orders, male or female. It makes them blush, stutter, and say the wrong things.
57. Must not follow the orders this makes them say, even if they are ‘damn interesting sounding’.
58. Tenpou is an exception to this. He will just bend me over his desk and fuck the hell out of me while still giving me the orders.
59. He expects me to listen during this.
60. Commander Goujun is also an exception to this. He will assign me something very unpleasant if he thinks I’m doing anything remotely of the sort. Or punch me if it’s overly obvious and I do it in front of others, particularly his wife.
61. Must not look at or speak to his wife in any way that could be considered the least bit inappropriate or flirtatious. He is scarily possessive of her and doesn’t trust me the least little bit off the battlefield.
62. If he doesn’t punch me for it, she will. No matter who the hell is around.
63. Must not ‘teach a lesson to’ anyone who sees his and finds this amusing. They do not deserve it.
64. Must not attempt to sell popcorn and fizzy drinks during a briefing, even if the guy is ‘fucking boring and not paying attention to any of us anyway’.
65. Even if Tenpou helps, or it was his idea.
66. Must not give Commander Goujun a daily migraine. This puts him in a bad mood, and he will give me an especially hard assignment if he thinks I’m responsible for it.
67. Must not admit that I like the hard ones. He will stop giving me them and find something even more unpleasant for me to do.
68. Must not tell all of Heaven that clothing is optional the third Friday of every month. The ugly ones will be the ones that believe me.
69. Must stop trying to catch Goujun with his wife to get incriminating pictures.
70. Especially when one or both of them is drunk.
71. Must stop snickering during briefings when any of the following numbers are mentioned: Four, eleven, forty-five, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy-seven, or ninety-nine.
72. Or any other number that is also a sexual position.
73. Must not use such detail when explaining WHY I’m snickering. It gives Commander Goujun a headache.
74. Even if it does put him in a better mood in the morning.
75. Must not give coffee to the monkey. Konzen will kill me next time. Especially if it has aphrodisiacs in it.